in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
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He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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