so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
