Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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