I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
