I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
