Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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