she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
