I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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