Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
