Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
