Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
