They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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