pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
