You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
