Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i now understand why vodka
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
