for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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