I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
