i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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