guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you inspire me to be a worse person
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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