I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
