I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
