I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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