Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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