Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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