No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
