It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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