I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
These tits shall not be calmed
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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