Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape