I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened