if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.