Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
