Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
