Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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