I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
