Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
