You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
