if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
