He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
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SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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