i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She needs sedatives and a leash
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
