he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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