I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
