there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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