You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
