whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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