the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
