You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
