i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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