I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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