We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
