I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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