I'm going to jail i love you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
