That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
