u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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