Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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