I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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