The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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