My first STD was from a foam party
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Randomize