I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
